I have been fighting a war since I was a child. As time went by, the battleground became so familiar that I never realized I was at war. It felt like I was in the right place, and each win pushed me forward to the next step and the next battle. I did not choose to fight; time chose for me, and it decided that I would play this war game. In this time, there was family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, and society as a whole. They decided the next battle for me, and there was no time to think or recover from the last battle. I ran towards the fight each time, in fear that if I did not fight, I would be lost to time and forgotten.
It was a fight to prove my existence, make my voice heard, and make sure the world felt my presence. While I achieved all of these, today, I feel it amounts to nothing. I feel empty and lonely, and everyone sees all the kingdoms I won during the years, while I only see the corpses when I turn back time. Time only reminds me of regrets, resentments, lost love, friends, and others.
No one told the child that he did not have to fight, that he could take it easy, live life slowly, and did not have to prove anything. They did not tell him he could define success for himself. It is said we all arrive at a crossroads in our life that makes us take decisions that might change our life. I am looking for another crossroad in my life because I do not remember if I came across one or made the decision for myself to change direction. Most decisions were made for me by someone else, and society as a whole amplified it.
I did not choose to be disabled [blind] and be diagnosed with chronic health challenges just when I thought I won all the battles. I wanted to rest, recover, and build things back, but time chose a different path in the form of kidney failure in my thirties, and I have no choice but to fight. I also realized there is no end; I just need to keep fighting each enemy that shows up on the horizon.
There are no more wins or losses in this war; I just walk the path, hoping I find another crossroad on the horizon just when the dawn is breaking because I want to feel and experience the beauty of this universe once again.
Suman Bhokray says
you are a man to get inspire from. feeling so proud of you my friend. keep up the great work.
Mister Kayne says
Keep the faith my friend, more power to all of us. Sometimes I let my guard down because you can’t change what is not in your control and that control is so hard to get if you are living with a disability that you did not subscribe for. I am feeling the heat of my disability when I am put into situations where I am supposed to make decisions, judgements etc. that soley rely on my disability which is sight impairment.
The ugly truth is, you can’t trust anyone and everyone will take advantage of the vunnerable especially if you have some money in the bank.
I felt liberated when I got my first paycheck after being employed post disability. Little did I know that that paycheck was all it took to dream big and get myself into other complicated situations of life with family and friends. However, that money is the best that happened because living with a disability in a country like India is bloody expensive, I call it disability tax