Raghava's Blog

Experiential And Experimental Learnings

My Life

Here is What You Can Gift Me For My Birthday

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This January 23rd I will turn 32 & one of the things I want to do differently is to know each of my friends better. I want to connect with each one of you personally & strengthen the bond between us. Last few months have been tough in my life, a routine health check-up showed that my kidneys failed & I need to undergo dialysis. It was tough but I am handling it with open mind & being very positive. I am sure that this phase of my life is temporary & I will bounce back with a lot of energy. Currently I am on dialysis 3times a week & looking forward for a kidney transplant in future. So I am restricted only to Hyderabad & cannot travel to another city or country for foreseeable future.

What you can do as friends

I want each one of you to take time & comment on this blog post. Tell me what you think of me, a memory that we share, send love & hugs. I want each one of you to call me if possible on my birthday +91-9908266680 or WhatsApp me. I am sure to respond to each one of you.

I know I need to be strong & fight this out but I am sure that am not alone in this battle. A lot of you were there with me in my past & am counting on all of you now.

Thanks for stopping by & reading. Hoping to connect with each one of you soon.

Can all of you send me Good Energy, Love & Wishes for my Good Health?

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During the years every one of you supported me with lot of good wishes & prayers whenever I asked for my exams, speaking engagements, interviews & a lot of other things…now I need more of it than ever from each one of you & I need it in abundance to pull over & fight back . Long story short, I went for a regular check-up of my health & it showed that a vital organ of my body is rapidly failing, this caused a huge concern among the doctors & I was admitted in hospital immediately during the last week of August. After a lot of tests doctors are still unable to find the root cause of the problem & treating me with steroids. They are not sure why 29 yr old must have something of this sort & this can only happen to 1 in a 1million…so am the black swan out here…

This infection is a silent killer & one will not know until the end, so I must call myself lucky. In last 5weeks my life is changed more than ever & all it took for this change to happen is a 20minute scan at the hospital. Am going to write more of my experiences & reflections of life going forward & how I am going to shape-up my life from here.

What I want from each one of you now is lot of good energy, wishes, and prayers & if you can take some time to comment personally I will appreciate it. Just write few words, lot of you met me in person & I know a lot of you through other avenues. Every comment & every encouraging word counts, they will help me push & fight back. Whenever I am low I can always come back & find motivation here.

They Thought I Am Mentally Disabled

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The other day I was in a restaurant for dinner, I was hoping to enjoy a quite meal & get back home to finish my work for the day. I heard a guy & a girl chit chatting on the adjacent table, I did not give much thought to them…once I finished my meal I was waiting for my driver to come back & pick me up…my driver came after 5mins & I thought he was near me so I called out his name. In reality my driver “mallesh” went out of the dining room that I was in & I have no clue that he is not there beside me…

He came to me after 2minutes & we left the restaurant….Mallesh told me something that pained me a little then…Babu the adjacent table folks are thinking that you are having some mental illness or problem. When you are searching for me they are signaling to restaurant staff & trying to say something through hand signals. Hearing this it pained me a bit at the first but then from their stand point if I think there is nothing wrong…they are trying to help me & have no idea how to handle the situation. They don’t know that I am blind & they thought I might have some mental disability because I am dependent on Mallesh.

Lessons learned here are
I should have carried my white cane.
I should have been more independent.

If I carried my white cane & if I was independent I think people would have understood that I am blind & not mentally ill. I am going to carry my white cane from now on & since I advocate the same I need to set an example.

1year After

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Exactly one year back I was in lot of pain, both mentally & physically…immune suppressers made me weak & I was fighting a losing battle. My family was worried but stayed with me all the time giving the constant mental support I needed at that time…exactly one year after all that went by just remained a memory & I was thankful that I am doing much better than before…the fight is not over, while I fight with my chronic kidney problem I am looking at life in new perspective & trying to learn, cope & be happy with what I have. The loss to my career & things I wanted to do was immense but hey end of the day I am alive is what I am saying to myself. I am trying to figure a way to live happily to the fullest & I am taking pleasure in every small things of life.

The Other In Me

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Yes, the light in my eyes dimmed as the years went by…the truth is the darkness that descended on my eyes did not scare me it is the darkness that descended on my mind & soul that caused me more pain & fear. Today I see the world in different shades of light & dark that cannot be expressed to a person & they think I am not emotional…you see the world is very different it can just be felt cannot be seen or spoken. It can be heard, can be touched & can be felt, one needs a deep understanding of their own soul to see the world hidden beyond darkness & yes it is not all pleasant. I see the beauty& ugliness of the same object at the same time & my brain is wired in such a way. I cannot help.

When you hear me next time don’t say I need to change my self just hear me out. I just want people to listen to me for a minute. I come to you because there is this person who craves bit company & comfort, if you cannot listen tell me & I am off in search of another soul…I am my very best friend & I hardly need people around me, I grew use to being lonely & being my own friend. I play the conversations from both end & when you hear me talking to myself that means I am talking to other in me…i am not sick or I am not halusaniting I am just creating a way for my self to live & thrive in this world ..

Until next time the other in me “PRS”

15 Things That Happened In My Mind & Around Me in 2015

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2015 is coming to an end & I felt writing few lines on my blog. People often ask me what happens in your mind…you always share what happens around you. Not sure if I shared enough about what happens inside my mind but here are some of the things that happened in my mind & around me in 2015.

1. Health- I did not take care of myself as much as I should have, first 8 months I had terrible migraines & in last few months of the year I had food poisonings. I ate outside a lot & I think my migraines are because of my long hair. I love my long hair but they seem to give more migraines!
2. Alcohol- I drank a lot during 2015 & tried a cigar. There are 3 incidences where I had terrible hang over but I loved each moment of it. No regrets here but I want to kick the habit off slowly. 1 or 2 drinks once a while is ok but 2015 seemed to be a weekly party. And I did not like my first smoke much.
3. running- hasn’t run at all but still I showed up for Airtel Hyderabad half marathon 2015 & successfully finished it. It was painful & I made a wonderful friend “Rekha”. She is my co-runner & there are some moments worth remembering from this run. I need to get back to running & I already started on that part.
4 Travel-I travelled to Sandiago, Pune, and Mumbai & Bangalore. All travels are part of attending an event or speaking at an event. There is my fair share of memories from each of these travels & I travelled alone to each place. Traveling is where I learn a lot & discover myself, when I travel I am someone else who observes the world with different perspectives.
5 Depression- depression, depression & depression I had enough of this. Almost each night & each weekend I spent in depression. If I don’t have enough work am depressed, am depressed because books are not engaging me, I am depressed because my visual impairment limits me some times etc. etc. there was lot of this during the second half of the year & I spoke to my mentors Shanti & Anju. I am working on my therapy, it’s not easy but I am trying.
6. Job- I love my job as Digital Accessibility consultant, each day I feel that I am making an impact by making digital world little more accessible. But there are times I hated to go to work, I felt like quitting or moving out of the company. I kept to my job & performing as best as I can.
7. Entrepreneurship- I quit & gave up. I failed a lot in life & I really never made it as an entrepreneur. I shut the digital marketing consulting & training that I tried so hard building. I felt it is not with-in me, I am not sure what went wrong but each moment I felt the forces of the nature were against me. I want to try something in manufacturing in future & want to give the world of entrepreneurship another try.
8. friends- I have few close friends in life “Deepa, Raghu, Gunjan, Kameshwari, Sreechand” they were there whenever I wanted them beside me. I talk to them regularly over phone or skype. Keeping in touch constantly helped during my bad mood swings. I bitch a lot & they patiently listen…sometimes I just want people to listen to me.
9. Love-I never had a girlfriend & when I told her that I loved her she politely refused. Then things became weird, we don’t speak now. Decision from my end & no regrets because I told her whatever I wanted to tell. This was traumatic too but I got Sirisha my sister to help me out.
10 Emotional- I never cried, even when the world was against me. But lately tears just flow out of my eyes; there are moments at night I break down. There is pain & sorrow in my heart that I feel but there was never any reason. I always thought I was emotion less but things seem to change here.
11. Money- I make enough to lead my life comfortably & I want more of it. I want to build a multimillion dollar company & provide employment to able people. I work hard each day to realize this dream & I am not materialistic. Can live with what I have comfortably & I save shrewdly.
12. Anger- there was lot of this during this year, I shouted at my mum, sister & at people I work with. I have the anger problem for a while & I work each day on it & sometimes I lose control.
13. Books- Read more than 60 books this year & I enjoyed most of them. Like always I read “The Alchemist” once again this year. It’s the first book I ever read & I always enjoy it again & again. Instead of reading thrillers in 2016 I decided to read lot on Philosophy & management.
14. Movies & music- Watched 3 movies on YouTube & listened to a lot of music during my travel to work. Did not experiment listening to any new albums, this is something I want to change in 2016. Without good video descriptions I really cannot enjoy movies.
15. Skills- haven’t learned any new skill during this year. This pains me a lot, I want to change this during 2016 & be more responsible for my skill development.

These are the 15 things that I can think that made a huge impact in my life in 2015, just look back in your own life & plan your 2016. I want to be a better person than what I am in 2015 & I already started the ground work. Just keep reading my blog & you can feel my life in my words.