Yes, the light in my eyes dimmed as the years went by…the truth is the darkness that descended on my eyes did not scare me it is the darkness that descended on my mind & soul that caused me more pain & fear. Today I see the world in different shades of light & dark that cannot be expressed to a person & they think I am not emotional…you see the world is very different it can just be felt cannot be seen or spoken. It can be heard, can be touched & can be felt, one needs a deep understanding of their own soul to see the world hidden beyond darkness & yes it is not all pleasant. I see the beauty& ugliness of the same object at the same time & my brain is wired in such a way. I cannot help.
When you hear me next time don’t say I need to change my self just hear me out. I just want people to listen to me for a minute. I come to you because there is this person who craves bit company & comfort, if you cannot listen tell me & I am off in search of another soul…I am my very best friend & I hardly need people around me, I grew use to being lonely & being my own friend. I play the conversations from both end & when you hear me talking to myself that means I am talking to other in me…i am not sick or I am not halusaniting I am just creating a way for my self to live & thrive in this world ..
Until next time the other in me “PRS”
2015 is coming to an end & I felt writing few lines on my blog. People often ask me what happens in your mind…you always share what happens around you. Not sure if I shared enough about what happens inside my mind but here are some of the things that happened in my mind & around me in 2015.
1. Health- I did not take care of myself as much as I should have, first 8 months I had terrible migraines & in last few months of the year I had food poisonings. I ate outside a lot & I think my migraines are because of my long hair. I love my long hair but they seem to give more migraines!
2. Alcohol- I drank a lot during 2015 & tried a cigar. There are 3 incidences where I had terrible hang over but I loved each moment of it. No regrets here but I want to kick the habit off slowly. 1 or 2 drinks once a while is ok but 2015 seemed to be a weekly party. And I did not like my first smoke much.
3. running- hasn’t run at all but still I showed up for Airtel Hyderabad half marathon 2015 & successfully finished it. It was painful & I made a wonderful friend “Rekha”. She is my co-runner & there are some moments worth remembering from this run. I need to get back to running & I already started on that part.
4 Travel-I travelled to Sandiago, Pune, and Mumbai & Bangalore. All travels are part of attending an event or speaking at an event. There is my fair share of memories from each of these travels & I travelled alone to each place. Traveling is where I learn a lot & discover myself, when I travel I am someone else who observes the world with different perspectives.
5 Depression- depression, depression & depression I had enough of this. Almost each night & each weekend I spent in depression. If I don’t have enough work am depressed, am depressed because books are not engaging me, I am depressed because my visual impairment limits me some times etc. etc. there was lot of this during the second half of the year & I spoke to my mentors Shanti & Anju. I am working on my therapy, it’s not easy but I am trying.
6. Job- I love my job as Digital Accessibility consultant, each day I feel that I am making an impact by making digital world little more accessible. But there are times I hated to go to work, I felt like quitting or moving out of the company. I kept to my job & performing as best as I can.
7. Entrepreneurship- I quit & gave up. I failed a lot in life & I really never made it as an entrepreneur. I shut the digital marketing consulting & training that I tried so hard building. I felt it is not with-in me, I am not sure what went wrong but each moment I felt the forces of the nature were against me. I want to try something in manufacturing in future & want to give the world of entrepreneurship another try.
8. friends- I have few close friends in life “Deepa, Raghu, Gunjan, Kameshwari, Sreechand” they were there whenever I wanted them beside me. I talk to them regularly over phone or skype. Keeping in touch constantly helped during my bad mood swings. I bitch a lot & they patiently listen…sometimes I just want people to listen to me.
9. Love-I never had a girlfriend & when I told her that I loved her she politely refused. Then things became weird, we don’t speak now. Decision from my end & no regrets because I told her whatever I wanted to tell. This was traumatic too but I got Sirisha my sister to help me out.
10 Emotional- I never cried, even when the world was against me. But lately tears just flow out of my eyes; there are moments at night I break down. There is pain & sorrow in my heart that I feel but there was never any reason. I always thought I was emotion less but things seem to change here.
11. Money- I make enough to lead my life comfortably & I want more of it. I want to build a multimillion dollar company & provide employment to able people. I work hard each day to realize this dream & I am not materialistic. Can live with what I have comfortably & I save shrewdly.
12. Anger- there was lot of this during this year, I shouted at my mum, sister & at people I work with. I have the anger problem for a while & I work each day on it & sometimes I lose control.
13. Books- Read more than 60 books this year & I enjoyed most of them. Like always I read “The Alchemist” once again this year. It’s the first book I ever read & I always enjoy it again & again. Instead of reading thrillers in 2016 I decided to read lot on Philosophy & management.
14. Movies & music- Watched 3 movies on YouTube & listened to a lot of music during my travel to work. Did not experiment listening to any new albums, this is something I want to change in 2016. Without good video descriptions I really cannot enjoy movies.
15. Skills- haven’t learned any new skill during this year. This pains me a lot, I want to change this during 2016 & be more responsible for my skill development.
These are the 15 things that I can think that made a huge impact in my life in 2015, just look back in your own life & plan your 2016. I want to be a better person than what I am in 2015 & I already started the ground work. Just keep reading my blog & you can feel my life in my words.
I saw a Flickr of light from my window & everything is very dark around it, I felt as if I am seeing a star… but I really don’t know how it feels like to see a starry sky so I just lived in that moment. It was beautiful, I saw something that I can feel & understand…it was a quite night & all that wonder is lost in blink of an eye Because I moved my head slightly to get a better view.
For a moment I am thankful, I can see light & the first thing I do every day morning is to see if I can see the sun light. Then I thank the universe. It is very frustrating just to see patch of light & not see much beyond it.
I don’t remember ever seeing a star….this will be one of those things I would like to experience if ever I can see again in life.
When I was able to see the world I use to say to myself, I will see the world as much as I can before I go blind. The truth is I haven’t seen much & whatever I saw is edged into my brain…I replay those moments & say to myself I need to experience the world now. I have done bit of traveling & got a feel for it. It is a tough thing because I see the world from other’s eyes & all the experiences are dependent on the descriptions they give to me… some of them are good & some of them are not so good, they are never bad because I always get some kind of information. I look for details & a creative way of imagining my surroundings.
This time I want to do something different, I want to go on a desert safari in Rajasthan & would like to take along few travel bloggers, friends, tweeps who show interest etc. no strings attached, if you can pay for yourself, have little patience to guide someone with visual impairment, explain things & create experience then you are our partner. It is always good to see the world with more than one set of eyes & trust me you will see the world all together in a different shades of color..
I am planning & would love any support, suggestions & ideas to make this trip a successful one.
Done & dusted, ran 21km at Airtel Hyderabad Marathon…My co runner Rekha is an amazing person…she supported me all the way to finish line & ensure that I finish without an injury.
Thanks to Hyderabad runners for supporting me at all the aid stations, when I thought I will give up every one cheered for me & saw o that I kept moving…
A detailed Blog post coming soon.
During a conversation with a friend…..I said
“I failed to be an entrepreneur, after 9yrs of trying it I decided to give it up”
Friend: so you failed?
“In a way yes…I failed in many ways & learned lot of things during the journey & those learnings are going to be my take away…a grand price…”
Friend: so it took 9yrs to figure out it doesn’t work?
“yes it took me 9yrs to understand that somethings are not meant for me…but if I need them I need to work hard little more & come back more matured than what I am now…so am putting my energy & efforts in being much better than what I was…so that one day I can come back..”
Friend: so becoming blind changed things around & you think because of it you were not able to succeed?
“I owe my success to my disability…without it I would have been a different person….it made me push & do things that I never dreamt. But the fact is I tried 9yrs to do something with my life in the extra time I got while juggling a job.…Disability changed everything in the so called real world & it’s real tough…with right support & luck I am able to create an identity for myself & I kept my fire alive to fight….. Always there is a new beginning & new challenge to take on…so I will wait some time before I explore world of entrepreneurship once again.
Deepa is an inspiration & she is my strength in many ways….our relationship as friends became more stronger during the years & we spoke about this topic many times…this is a wonderful video that will change the way we see disability….
Dear Raghava, thank you for introducing me to wonderful Deepa. It is with great delight that I am sharing with you the first episode of The Lakshmi Rebecca Show. If you remember, I attempted the first episode of Chai with Lakshmi with you and today, 4 years later, the first episode of the new show is also happening because of you. THANK YOU!
You are the first person I am sharing this video with.